How to prepare not to run the NYC Marathon

There are many articles written about strategies on how to run the NYC Marathon.  Being a seven-time participant who chose not to run it this year due to extreme laziness and complete disinterest, I thought it would be beneficial to those who are also not running it to get some good advice on the dos and don’ts of non-participation of this life-changing event.  Just like for the runners who are running it, there is a specific timeframe to adhere to that will help those who don’t plan on running it.

For those who are serious about training for the NYC Marathon, their self-inflicted torture traditionally begins in July.  These wannabe marathoners spend almost every single day of the month running.  Their weekly training regimen may include a track workout, speed drills, a tempo run, and a long run, even on the hottest and most humid of days.  With a full-time job to go to and many with families to take care of, these runners will be both physically and mentally exhausted due to their relentless training.  Since you are not running the marathon this year, you will not be physically or mentally exhausted and your life will go on as usual.  When you get home from work, you can just relax, eat dinner, watch TV, and look forward to another day of not running.

In August, the weather gets even hotter and more humid.  But hey, you’ve already trained for a month and there’s no stopping you now. Plus you forked over a non-refundable $300 registration fee in June to run this costly race, so you’re pretty much screwed.  Those who are not running it did not have to cough up big money to endure a few hours of abuse come November.  They will be sitting comfortably in their air-conditioned living rooms looking out the window at the sweaty losers who are marathon training outside in an environment that should only be fit for the devil.

Finally, it’s September.  The weather has cooled off, but now if you have kids, they have to go back to school which will require a large outlay of parenting energy.  Doesn’t anybody in the family understand that mom and dad have a race to prepare for?!  During this time, you may want to consider giving up your kids for adoption.  Those who are not running the marathon may wake up on a Saturday morning to go on a nice family trip upstate to go see the Fall colors.  Apple-picking is also another great option, but definitely not running.

For those who are not running the NYC Marathon, October is the perfect month to check in on your hopeless friends who are now in their fourth month of marathon training.  You have that one friend who had to cancel a major family event so that they could get in their 23-mile-long training run.  Their spouse is already threatening divorce and can’t wait until it’s all over so that the family can get back to a normal life again.  Since you are not running it, you completely savor the lovely Fall weather.  You wake up late on the weekends and enjoy going out with your family for a wonderful Sunday brunch.  While brunching with your family, you notice an empty table next to yours.  That table would have been for your marathoning friend who is now too tired from their long run this morning and is sleeping in at 1:00 pm on a wasted Sunday afternoon.

It is now the second Sunday in November and it’s time to run the NYC Marathon!  Those running it cannot possibly sleep the night before, yet they have to leave their homes at an ungodly hour the morning of to get to the race start.  Then they have to wait two hours to actually begin running in their wave.  It’s torture to have to wait for so long, and you’re freezing your butt off on a cold November morning.  While your marathoning friend sits and waits to run a distance that guarantees serious post-race leg trauma over the next few days, you finally wake up, turn on the TV, and watch the NYC Marathon in the comfort of your own home.  You sit back in your recliner and reflect on all the months that you didn’t have to train for this year’s marathon.

By choosing to enjoy life and not running this year’s NYC Marathon, you will have achieved something that will make many marathoners envious.  The memories of not running this year’s NYC Marathon will last a lifetime.